I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
