There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
