my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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