I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just cropdusted the office
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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