felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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