Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
