yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
