Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
