As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
