Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize