i dedicated my morning wood to you.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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