Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
