You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Drunk is not a location!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
