Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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