The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize