My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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