We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
