Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
