He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
