Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
