I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
