So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
