Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
