Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
home. puking in laundry basket.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize