this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
