I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
