Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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