There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
