Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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