you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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