I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
