I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
