two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
