Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
