i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
