Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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