Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
