guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
