i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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