Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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