Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
