I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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