OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
