I think my vagina is haunted
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize