The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
