He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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