there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
