By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
True strength comes from lack of pants
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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