I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
