it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
