last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
