My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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