this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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