It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
