I just saw a hot homeless man
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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