So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
