My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
