Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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