I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
