My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
