I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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