Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i think my cat just said my name.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
